revise paper draft 2
|Just some suggestions for your essay: In your first paragraph, maybe try “ironic” rather than “ironical”. Also, maybe revise your sentence to “exploit the poor through legal provisions and intimidation. Remember to also italicize or underling the title when referencing the book. I also thought it was a good way to organize your project in sections, however, just make sure the separation between sections is noticeable so the reader can distinguish the main focus of that section to the previous and next sections. Try not to sound repetitive by overusing the phrase “on the same”. Try to explain it out for the audience because it can get mixed up a lot with what you are trying to convey.|
|The introduction does a mediocre job at getting the attention of the audience. We get the general sense of the topic of your essay, however it seems to be just a bit messy. Clearing your thesis as well as highlighting your main points of the project would definitely help with that. You body paragraphs sometimes goes off tangent of your thesis and then it becomes difficult to know what your focus is on. Also, it would be good to reference why the issue you are talking about it relevant to your audience, no matter who that may be. I feel like if the audience has a sense of relation to the problem, then that opens a door for you to talk about possible solutions to the problem. Instead of referencing back to the book several times, I would try to make connections to facts based from the past and its persistence to the present day. You want your project to basically say this is the problem, its been a problem in the past, it is still a problem now, here is why, here is proof and here are ways to start change. You do give examples of the issue being relevant in today’s society. However, most of the points seemed to be from Desmond’s book. Try finding more factual based points from other sources to help solidify your stance on the topic. This is where you can look up debates or even court cases, especially ones that win in your favor to help further project the importance of your topic. Look at debates and court cases from the past as well as the present and find relationships between them to justify the lack of change throughout time. You do have charts that display a visual of discrimination amongst races. This was very helpful, though you can also have several muli-modal sources to convey several points across your topic. But, your chart gave statistical evidence of the exponential increase of eviction among different races, convey that minority groups have a higher rate of eviction that whites. Watch out for your use of parentheses and commas. This can add a lot of fluff onto your project that can kind of take the light away from your main idea. Your tone is a good fit for the project. I think you just need to make some minor tweaks with the words and format you use to convey it which will make some major turns in your project. Like previously said, and I also typed this in the comment section of your paper, properly underline or italicize the title of the book as well as reducing the use of commas and parentheses where they are not needed Keep up the great work, you are on a strong start to your final draft! Good luck
These are the comment from my course. The paper is based on the book I let you brought. Please please help me make sure the questions are taken cared and make good revision. I iwll read it carefully. This paper is half of my my total grade(Final Grade). I will give you really persuasive good comments and recommand you to my friends if I get a good grade on this. This will be the draft2. And I will recieve feedback from my teacher and then I will let you know what teacher says about it and ask for your final revision! This paper is really important!! Thank you very much!!
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